Couldn’t We ALREADY Eat Pizza Anytime?

Sometimes, when I realize how much I love something that’s bad for me, and thus feel a bit of shame and/or embarrassment, I lash out and blame others. Perhaps this is where the following rant comes from? Perhaps it’s that I’m the guy who has no qualms about, OCCASIONALLY, eating a piece of pizza for breakfast — I don’t need Big Food’s spin doctors telling me it’s ok! Or, perhaps it’s simply that these are the types of things I’m doomed to write, a sign of a mind that is stuck in the “peanut gallery corner” of junior high. Oh well . . .so much for the Pulitzer or Fancy Book Award. My new goal is to not be sued or publically shamed by Big Food*.

I love how the folks who make Bagel Bites (Ore-Ida, as it happens, aka the tater tot people, aka the Sultans of Starch) solved a problem that did not exist. Remember the jingle?

“🎵When Pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.🎶”

That was like 25 years ago, at most. I know we’ve come a long way in terms of technology, but I think even 25 years ago you could find and eat a slice of pizza any time of the day, without much trouble.

True to the law of advertising, they acted as if they ushered in some type of major breakthrough, a kind of pizza-availability barrier that had frustrated food scientists, and the general public, for eons! We could all relax now because finally, FINALLY, someone had found a way to put pizza. . . stay with us here, because it’s about to get heavy . . . on a bagel!

And, as a result, we, the pizza-adoring public could eat pizza — and here is the real life-changer — ANYTIME! (“USA! USA! USA!”)

Do you think real scientists of the time, people curing disease and sending satellites into space and inventing high-tech, ever talked about the Bagel Bite team:

“You won’t believe what I heard is going on over at Ore-Ida? Yeah, yeah, the tater tot people. Pizza…on a bagel! No, really. I’m dead serious! That’s what I heard…Yup, on a Bagel. Didn’t think…{sniff, sniff} I’d live to see it… Oh, so sorry I’m crying, Carl, but it’s beautiful!“

*NOTE: I have no idea if “Big Food” is a thing. I’ve just noticed lately that for any industry which we want to collectively condemn as evil and greedy, we place the word “Big” in front of the industry title. Like “Big Pharma” or “Big Children’s TV.”