Auto-Responding (Newsletter Exclusive)

I get spoiled by automated communication functions at work, such as “auto-reply” and status indicators for email and chat.  

I love being a dad, but sometimes it would be nice to have some similar way to communicate my current state with my children at home:

“Dearest offspring,

Thank you for yelling my name 37 times, even though it would be fairly easy for you to walk 8 feet to discover my location.  I am currently sorting through one of 7,000 items you or one of your siblings left on the kitchen table/living room floor/bar-area/sink/yard.  Your complaint/ache/pain/gripe/fit of uncontrollable angst is important to me.  I will be available in a few minutes, at which time I will respond to all those who have been yelling my name, in the order in which they were heard. 

If this is a medical emergency, call your mother . . . no sorry, she is here sorting as well.  So, just scream really loud, but not in that way that means you’re mad, but the one which means you’re hurt, and we will know the difference.  If you have hurt someone else, relay the above to them, ask for forgiveness, and sit somewhere and think about what you’ve done. 

I apologize for any inconvenience, and any additional angst this is causing you. We do love you, it’s just . . . yeah.

Best Regards,

“Executive Director of Sorting Stuff That is Not His Own”