Earnings

I realize that I ignore some of the finer points of global markets and economics and customer base sizes, etc, in the observation that follows. But, the disappointment I’ve seen lately when it comes to earnings reports for certain companies is getting out of control. No one seems happy with what appear to me to be incredible numbers. It’s like the investment community has been taken over by a bunch of mobster goons with ludicrous expectations:

INVESTOR (in a stereotypical mobster accent): How much money did you make last quarter, Apple?

APPLE (Not making eye contact): {unintelligible} billion.

INVESTOR: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

APPLE: I, uh, . . .eighty . . .eighty-four billion.

INVESTOR: Oh yeah? eighty-four Billion? Is that right. (Turns to other investors standing behind him) Eighty-four billion!

(The others mumble to each other and shift their feet, clearly agitated. A few are cracking their knuckles and necks.)

INVESTOR: So, how much . . .look at me, Apple.  Look at me! It’s ok, we’re just talkin’ here. How much money did you SAY you were gonna make last quarter?

APPLE: I don’t remember.

INVESTOR: Yes you do. C’mon, Apple, just say it. We’re all friends here.

APPLE: I, uh . . .(clears throat) Nine. . .

INVESTOR: That’s right, just spit it out. You can do it.

APPLE: Ninety . . . billion.

INVESTOR: NINETY BILLION, there ya GO! Ninety billion. And you made. . . .

APPLE: Eighty-four . . .

INVESTOR: Eighty-four Billion. Is eighty-four more than ninety?

APPLE: N. . .No.

INVESTOR: No, it’s not. (Turns to the others). At least we know he can do math good! What a guy.

(There is a rumble of low laughter. A man in a dark suit and sunglasses is pulling sharp instruments out of a briefcase and laying them on a steel table.)

INVESTOR: Let me ask you this: How many iPhones did you sell last quarter?

APPLE (starting to whimper): Fif . . . Fifty Million.

INVESTOR (shakes his head): Fifty Million. Fifty. Million. Wow. What a waste of everyone’s time. (Slaps Apple on the cheek.) What are we gonna do with you? Fifty Million phones.

Get this guy outta here.