A (surprisingly food-heavy) roundup of second-rate thoughts from a first-rate week.

🔑 I was on some website or other trying to choose a new password and this little box kept telling me it wasn’t an acceptable password, even though I wasn’t done typing it yet.  It’s like someone standing next to my front door while I’m trying to open it, and yelling in my face:

“That key’s not going to work.  That key is NOT GOING TO WORK! IT’S NOT GOING . . . oh, look at that, it worked, well done!”

🍽️ I find myself using the phrase, “I’m not trying to add to your plate” when I’m getting ready to ask someone to do something. As a matter of fact, I AM adding to their plate, no trying about it!

It’s like somebody getting ready to shoot you in the leg but saying, “I’m not trying to add your leg pain.” Well, don’t shoot me in the leg then!

⛽ Does anyone else experience an incredible wave of anxiety when you have a lot of fuel points you’re getting ready to redeem at Kroger? I’m on the verge of getting gas for $1.49, so I’m reading the questions on the pump screen like I’m getting ready to buy a Dave and Buster’s franchise in rural Alaska. I’m convinced that if I hit the wrong key, all of my fuel points will be donated to that one U-Scan clerk who always looks like she’d rather stab me in they eye with a ham bone than deal with my Raisin Bran coupon.

🍴 You know that moment: That moment when you’re having a somewhat rough day, and things are kind of dragging, and you need a little “pick me up” and you grab a fork out of the break room fork-stash to eat your lunch with and you discover that there are TWO forks inside of a package meant for ONE fork and you know in the back of your mind that it is actually just a quality control oversight, but in the moment, it seems like a miracle on par with seeing a double rainbow or discovering a field full of unicorns or having everyone make it out of the house in the morning with not a single emotional breakdown, and it brings you so much joy and glee you wonder if God himself had a hand in it (outside of the fact that he created the chemicals the double-bagged forks and bag are made of and placed it within the heart of mankind to invent the singularly-useful utensil that is the fork-in-a-bag, not to mention the spoon and knife and single-serve coffee maker), and even if it isn’t a direct “hand of God” moment, you thank Him for the joyful discovery and you place the double-bagged forks safely in your drawer and you finish your lunch with a single-bag fork and with a metaphorical spring in your metaphysical step.

We’ve all been there.

🍰 This week I logged a piece of Funfetti cake into my food app, and the food app informed me that it was “low in saturated fat.” You see, THIS is the type of positivity we need more of these days!

Funfetti for president!

🥄 If you ever find yourself enjoying a muffin at our table (and we would love to have you), there is a greater than 75% chance that a child has sneezed into the muffin batter.

Thanks for Reading! And have a great weekend.

2 thoughts on “The Second-Rate Scientist Report for August 16, 2019

  1. Hilarious! Thank you for making me chuckle this afternoon, Phillip. Speaking of sneeze material in the batter, I once saw a young child sneeze profusely on a cereal box at Kroger. Be careful about handling items from the bottom shelves.

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